Friday, June 27, 2014

Not going so swell

Though I am still young and still not nearly intelligent as I should or could potentially be, I feel as though being through what I've been through these past two years or so, if there is anything I learned it's that time and time again I will never live up to someone's expectation of where they think I should be in life. As they will not be able to live up to my expectations. But I suppose instead of just having average or even slightly above average expectations is asking too much. For example. If I expect my friend(s) to back stab me, but they don't I expected, what is in my experiences as the normal, but they don't then I expected not just the unexpected but I expected too little of them. Where as say if it were my so called family. Back stabbing me. And they do so anyway. I expected the expected and was still not feeling shocked. Which sucks.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Funk, slump, down, whatever you wanna call it

Lately I have been in a huge slump where I don't want to do anything except two-four things MAX. I either just want to workout insanely, just curl up and rot away, go to a time where or when nothing matters not life, space, time itself, or even me just get away. Or on good days I just want to physically tire myself out but not just physically but mentally. Supposedly I am mentally gifted and am of above average-superior in intelligence or so says my friends, family and therapists (Does not mean I am any smarter or better than anyone else). Which I do in fact know I am not. just means for the average person for my gender, age, mental capacity, and other variables I am either slightly above or am more than above in intelligence. But if I am as smart as others say or think I am, why can I not find a solution to this issue or predicament that I find/found myself in. supposedly I have ADD and again supposedly people or persons with that (and other, what society calls, "mental disabilities) often others seem to find that person intelligent or even "bright".
But I just don't know why I am in this funk where I only want to do 2-4 things max during the duration of my day and then call it to an end. I just don't get it. It's really bothering me. Mentally I feel frustrated and depressed as well as confined yet have the feeling of too much freedom. Kind of like a stallion who lives 24/7 in a stable with no field to run in. physically it will take its toll. and mentally frustrating the holy heavens out of the animal.
I cannot seem to find a way out of this stable if you will. I just can't and as I said its really bugging me. please help.